I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
His name isnt in my phone as “Satan’s spawn” for no reason. #devildick
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
