Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight
Challenge Accepted
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
Randomize