I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I had phone sex with a retiree last night. This is not how I envisioned my 20s going...
SORRY FOR THE CAPS. I DIDNT CHANGE IT IN TIME AND ITS TOO FAR TO GO BACK NOW. PS IM SUPER BAKED
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
got some info she was last seen with some guy wearing goggles
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
