Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.
I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
