theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
quit whining, rub some dirt on it, and lets get out there
its my penis
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
Randomize
