can u get pink eye on your cock?
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.
i ate a whole tub of butter with my hands last night. don't tell me about rock bottom
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
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