Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her
but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"
but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies
He played with my vagina like it was a turntable
My sole motivation for showering this morning was to masturbate. Something is wrong here...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
