she woke up with a sticky ear
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
