Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
