You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Man I was just the closest I've ever been to crapping my pants.
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