I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
Mom said you looked used
She apologized again the next day. I said it was pee under the bridge
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
there is a naked boy in my bed & you just need to kick him out because i do NOT want to see him when i'm sober.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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