The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
shes got a 6th sense for me cheating...the the hailey joel osmound of me getting bjs
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
It's like past high you was looking out for future high you by rolling that joint and leaving it in your coat pocket. What a Halloween miracle
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
