yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
They were done having sex when I went to the room. They had that look on their faces.
Disappointment?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Randomize
