and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Im sitting in church with a backpack full of beer bottles. This is friendship.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
I need to quit being a slut. It's to the point that I got my period today and automatically I Believe I Can Fly popped into my head.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Update: tequila girl had her hand down groomsmen pants
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