he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
YOLO is a great motto until you end up with Chlamydia
They gave me 4 meds at the health center and said not to take alcohol with any of them. Guess ill wait until tomorrow to feel better.
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
