We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
Again. I'm very sorry I tried to poke your eye out. You've been aware of my inability to aim since day one.
But what I'm actually thinking about is how everyone except me had sex on my bed this weekend and now I'm just sleeping in it with a 7 foot tall blue panda
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Randomize
