He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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