I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
Randomize
