I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can't even masturbate anymore!! That was my last source of cardio!!
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
They have beer where we have blood.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
ya I had reallllllly good sex last night too that will probably get me evicted
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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