in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
This reminds me of the time you were crying and puking in the toilet at that party while i did shots of tequila in between blow drying your feet. miss you!
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
I just realized I had arrested my one night stand from last night...
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
