Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
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