I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.
he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
She started giving me head while we were watching the Walking Dead premiere, WORST BJ EVER.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Randomize
