I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
yeah so i didn't even realize i was on meth until the next morning
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
I climbed through his window to find him already with another booty call. This wouldn't have happened if I could upgrade from my 7th grade scooter to a real car.
…If I were you I wouldn't use that as part of your argument to your dad for a car
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
You passed out and I didn't draw a penis on your face. Sister of the year.
Randomize
