Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
I've decided to turn your sobriety into a reason for me to be able to drink more.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
Sooooo have your ex-girl console you over your ex ex girl that you destroyed said ex-girl over the possibility of
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
