I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
Vodka?
Forever.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I somehow turned head, shoulders, knees, and toes into a sobriety test
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize