I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
we just fucked in the mcds parking lot
wasnt he a virgin
yes we got celebratory milkshakes after
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
