Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
July fourth my place, drunken bubble slip n slide. Yes this is happening and yes I am 31
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
In light of this week's heat-wave, we are having a house vote tonight on the temporary suspension of the "no smoking indoors" clause. Please bring your voting cards to the living room at 6:30pm
Point of Clarification: by "voting card" we mean a full beer and/or shots
There are five fire trucks here and needless to say my booty call left so come back home whenever you like
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Everything is scary i hate being an adult i hate responsibility tell me a dick joke
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