i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
Randomize
