I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Randomize
