You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I blasted the Halloween Before Christmas soundtrack last night so my roommate wouldn't hear me having sex. Needless to say the sex got a little weird.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
Randomize
