Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
took 5 apple pie shots. caution: flames. not digestable.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
Randomize
