my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
there was a sad and surprising lack of "did strippers and blow" in that sentence
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
I don't think she can come out, she went too hard in the Intro to Theater Drinking Game at 2:30
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
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