Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
Welcome to my life. currently drinking beer through two straws. easier/faster that way.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Randomize
