If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
I just woke up in bed next to my teacher. Does that mean I'm passing now?
ron's 8" boning knife is for sale. oh and it comes with a flavor injector.
High?
hahahahaha turkey breast
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Randomize
