3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
I stole the butter cup cuz i brought home my rolls and chicken and didnt want the butter everywhere. I miss your body because its amazing.
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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