Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
She abandoned me on the doorstep of her hostel. Turns out you can't bring one night stands into those places. Slept in a train station next to a tramp. He gave me chips. And didn't steal my shit while I slept. So I'm counting this one as a win
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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