Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
Fuck him tonight for the both of us. We're still tag-teaming in spirit.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I really am. The stoner chick wants to get a python.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
thought a girl was checking me out today. took me like 5 minutes to realize it was a mannequin
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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