You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
if i died would you start the facebook group?
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
He tried to finger me at Disneyland! He tried to taint the happiest place on earth!
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
maybe if I avoid him long enough we could skip the talking part of "we need to talk"
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
Randomize
