drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
i came so hard i kicked through my windshield
....she made me stop for like 3 minutes so she could talk to her cat....
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
