Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Donating $10 to Sandy victims for every hurricane I drink tomorrow. Buying me alcohol just became a good cause.
I'm going to crush up my last 7 Percocets into a fine powder and toss my popcorn in it.
New rule. Every time you and I have a disagreement that lasts longer than 10min, while in a bar, we'll have a shot. Figure we'll eventually start agreeing sooner rather than later...
Ok thats it i need a list. Full names, nicknames, in which frats, with a photo, of all the guys youve hooked up with because three of the same guys is ridiculous
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
Randomize
