The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
We just shotgunned beers for America
You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.
He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.
Yeah you should have just let that thought go.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
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