did you get my message about your dog?
no... is he ok?
no, i didn't see him when i was being chased out of your house. check your drive way :( sry
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I can't tell whether I'm throwing up blood or licorice.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I never realized how you can accidentally go home with someone until tequila got involved.
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
