She just wrapped her tongue around my thumb.....lizard girl may be my next wife.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
not ubering you a puppy
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
Randomize
