I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Im in the bathtub drunk. Less than an hour before the interview. This will be the best or worst career move ever., support?
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
I thought about mashed potatoes the whole way home
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
