so he expects you to be his vegas whore for the season. nice.
so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I'm in the ER bruh, I went skinny dipping last night and a cat fish bit my dick.
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
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