The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
I ACCIDENTALLY SUPER LIKED HIM. I JUST DELETED TINDER FROM MY PHONE.
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
Randomize
