I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.
Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
