I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.
She said she could kiss it, just not put it in her mouth. Because that would be cheating..
She laid down on my bed and played "I want you to want me" on my laptop. subtle.
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
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