I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!
Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
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