I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
Totally just sport flirted the shit out of a girl on a wheelchair. I've done my good deed for the day.
This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
also new logic of mine : I fuck a Scottish kid , Scotland national animal is a Unicorn airgo I've come close to fucking a unicorns descendent, mother always said dreams come true
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
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