oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
Randomize
