Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
so i havent checked yet but im almost positive that my left ass cheek is bruised. any idea what happened last night.
what the fuck man? i was JUST texting you the same thing. FUCK
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
