If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
We need to find a way to make penises more like hookahs.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
Randomize
