Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
um care to explain the stolen chinchila under greg's bed..i'd be fine with it if it wasnt chewing up the stash
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