I woke up this morning in your mom's car... any ideas?
"The real world" DC house is on the corner of 20th and S. Wanna come with to check it out? It's my goal to be a blurred out face in their hot tub.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
Sustenance and doggy style.. the only two things I need
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
he's fucking insane. he's worse than me. is that even possible? I'm only with him because his dick is huge. I need Jesus.
Randomize
