i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
Make the kitchen floor stop waving. Im trying to lay on it
I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
I just coughed and my vagina hurt. We need to hook up more.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Doing blow in the bathroom isnt the same without you
Do a rail off the baby station in my honor
That time of your life is like a blur to me. There was churches, car fucking, and conservatives
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
Randomize
