i'm touring the leper colony via mapquest street view so we dont have to go there
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
You're not drunk til you wake your roommates up screaming at your ceiling fan
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
YOU JUST GOT OUT OF THE HOSPITAL AND YOU'RE ALREADY DRINKING?!
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
