I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
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