Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
the can pyramid on my head actually reached a decent height before I moved.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Let's discuss options later this evening. I'll draw out said options and compare and contrast the "accessibility" of the costume for quickies. Because you never know. Halloween is full of surprises. I'll also compare practicality, level of skank, and creative features.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Oh yea... In other news I've decided to get an external hard drive and start getting music from all the guys I'm fucking... Do you think a terabyte would be enough storage space?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
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