i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
I lost my favorite bra in his hotel room. Is it bad that that's the only reason I hope he texts me tomorrow?
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
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