Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.
So glad I found your sister.
I just remember telling jokes while vomitting
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
Stephen I'm in a lecture and the lecturer just said 'you can CHOOSE to put something in your mouth and swallow it" i'm the only one here who burst out laughing, this is awkward. Thought you'd appreciate it.
They'll never let you practice medicine.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
